** Disclaimer: This article is 100% satire. There are no spoilers ahead because I haven’t actually seen it. Enjoy! **

Last week saw the Aquaman movie hit the big screen here in the UK. But will this latest addition from pioneer flagship Bongo comics make a splash or be yet another DC washout?

Aquaman sees hunky Australian, Jason Momoa, take on the mantle of the blond, white hero in fishnet stockings with a love for all things underwater. Armed with all the creatures of the sea at his disposal, Aquaman and his trusty sidekick FLUDD (a mo-cap Jason Sudekis – excellent) must battle against The Kraken (Danny Trejo) and Sarah Squidman (Grace Jones) who are both threatening to kill anyone who has ever dared to pee in the sea before (so basically all us, am I right?) by raising the planet’s water levels.

Definitely not the finale to Aquaman

With the original 1947 Aquaman film being retconned in favour of a more up to date origin/love story, here Aquaman – 20 years after being saved from drowning by a beautiful mermaid – is reunited with his former half fish/half female savour/hybrid. Whilst also trying to stop the villains and save the world, the true dilemma comes when he has to decide does he stay on land, or live out the rest of his life under the sea with her?

Aquaman talks to fish because he has no friends

“Blub blub blub” – Aquaman when he’s underwater

A movie of this calibre was always going to be effects heavy – but it doesn’t disappoint.

You know how everyone’s favourite part in a game is the obligatory water level? That. It’s like watching that for 150 whole minutes: Bottlenose dolphins glide by our screen effortlessly, crustaceans jump and frolic, and by the time the credits roll you feel like you’ve actually drowned. Known so well in the comics for his veganism and Omega3 powers, Momoa really gets to show them all off here – with a huge set piece in the final act of the film involving an oil spill, a pirate captain and a public ferry.

Billy Bass features in Aquaman 2018

Of course, with 80% or so of this movie being CGI heavy, does the rest of the movie’s two and a half hour long runtime hold up or does it simply flounder on the deck…?

A lot has been written about the controversial marlon-on-swordfish sex scene in the lead up to this film being released. And while I can certainly see what the detractors are saying, and the point that they make, I can say that watching that particular scene, in that darkened cinema, it is handled with such a delicate and classic approach that I believe – for better or worse – we’ll be talking about it for many, many years to come.

And on a personal note, I can also certainly see the thrill of getting a little sand in my trunks from time to time.

“Club me like a seal!” – Spongebob

Aquaman is currently out in cinemas and the 1984 Tom Hanks classic Splash is available on DVD.  

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