Welcome aboard, soldier. You’re officially a stormtrooper in the Imperial Empire.
The job has its perks, don’t get me wrong.
You get to travel:
Meet Interesting People:
Sample different cultures:
But it also has its risks. Death is part of the job description for an Imperial grunt. We’ve built you some lightweight body armour with advanced climate controls to keep you energised in all situations, but it’s about as useful against blasters as Vader is at hide a seek.
That said, I know a trick or two that might just help you make it through — the first few days at least.
Don’t Piss Off the Boss
Lord Vader has anger management issues.
The rumours from the watercooler suggest it’s something to do with an ex and his custody issues, but it’s best not to ask.
He doesn’t tend to get involved with troopers, but I’ve seen him choke out enough of his subordinates to know not to mess with the guy.
Do your job, don’t fuck up, stay out of his way.
Avoid Being Stationed On the Death Star
It might be the mightiest weapon in the galaxy, but…
It had weaknesses.
After what happened last time, the Imperial Empire is building a new, bigger, deathier star around near Endor. It’s pretty safe, it’s got a forcefield and everything, but some of the guys — including me — are a bit nervous about stepping onboard after what happened last time.
It’s probably fine. But if you can avoid it, avoid it.
Don’t Underestimate The Enemy
Stormtroopers are elite shock troopers, the crowning jewel of the Imperial Empire’s military supremacy, so you’d think we could take on anyone who opposes us pretty easily right? Well…
The enemy aren’t actually that useless when it comes to combat. They’ve been shown to be keen strategists and ruthless killers.
In this mouse droid footage, you can clearly see an absent minded Stormtrooper whacking his head on the way to a conflict with a rebel. He underestimates them, switches off and then…
His arrogance killed him, that and severe haemorrhaging. Still…
Don’t underestimate the enemy, even if they are just big care bears.
TIE-Fighters Are Deathtraps
Seriously. You’d think they’d be safe enough right? Out in the emptiness of space. Fast, nimble, super advanced and produced by the rulers of the Galaxy.
Nah. They are metal coffins.
Space isn’t as easy to navigate as you might think.
And considering the rebels spend most of their time hiding in caves and recruiting farm boys down at Toshi’s station, they’re pretty good in the pilot’s seat.
Wanna stay alive? Stay out of a TIE-Fighter.
Suspicious Noises Should Be Ignored
It isn’t your job to check out spooky and weird noises. You aren’t Scooby Doo.
If you hear a weird noise down the corridor, somebody whistling off in the wilderness or an odd banging noise coming from that spaceship you are guarding, hold tight.
More often than not, these innocuous sounding noises are sneaky rebels trying to pull off some sort of scheme.
Stand your ground, keep your wits about you and don’t get pulled into one of their treacherous little games.
Don’t Shoot the Glowing Laser Sword
So many rookies make this mistake.
Some floppy-haired rebel dude keeps turning up with a glowing stick and cutting through troopers like butter.
You’d think the best thing to do would be shoot at him, but it isn’t. His laser stick can rebound shots, right back in your face. I’ve seen more than a few good Stormtroopers die by their own blaster.
If you see this guy coming, you should probably just run. Don’t hightail it, you’ll be done for desertion. Be a bit more… casual.
Pretend it’s a tactical retreat. You’re going for the high ground or something. I hear that’s a weakness of laser sword guys.
Spend Some Time Down The Firing Range
There was a day Stormtroopers were prided on their ability to hit a target. Now, most couldn’t even hit the Alderaan if they were floating through it.
Bad aim isn’t conducive to staying alive…
If you can hit your target, it won’t hit you.
Avoid Becoming Cannon Fodder
Now, we’re just playing the odds here.
The dude at the front of the pack always dies. He’s the fodder, the human shield.
When on patrol, assignment or just standing around, try to think about your position within the ranks.
We nameless, faceless Stormtroopers are cannon fodder by default, but you can take steps to be less cannon foddery.
If you think about it and stay aware of your surroundings, you can probably keep your head blaster-shot free just that little bit longer.
Sure, that means putting other troopers in between you and the blaster shot, but if you want to survive, you might have to turn to the dark side.
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James is THG’s technophobic TV nut, movie addict and theorist crackpot. He’ll be bringing you features, insights and incoherent ramblings on all your favourite and least favourite shows and movies.