Always one step ahead of the curve, Nintendo has dropped hotly awaited new game for mobile: “Pokemon: Stay Inside” in an attempt to profit from the real world being in a state of LockDown.
Don’t catch any Pokemon but just look at them from the safety of your double glazed window!
In a motion of art imitating life, the premise of this new game is so simple it’s extraordinary. Our story starts in Vermilion City, where we’re shown through a cutscene that a rogue Zubat fajita is sold to an unsuspecting patron – only for them to fall deathly sick. A deadly virus sweeps across the regions quickly, gradually consuming the world and infecting trainer and Pokemon alike. Quickly Gyms, Marts, and cities are closed to the outside world, and in a state of emergency, all trainers are urged to stay home to subsequently ease the tension the Pokecentre health workers.
This is a real (Poke)ballsy take from Nintendo. Always known for their fresh and groundbreaking ideas, Nintendo toes the line of taste pretty close here. Opting to alter their tried and tested formula here with a brand new storyline with high stakes is certainly going to weed out the real fans of the series.
GOTTA LOOK AT ‘EM ALL FROM A SAFE DISTANCE!
With a hands-on test, we saw that previously well-known characters are sent on strange new tangents; completely altering their otherwise tested routine: Brock has to masturbate at home, Misty (or “Social Mistancing” as she goes by in this game) learns how to cut a fringe, and Team Rocket are forced to stop their illegal activities. Otherwise, the side quest to regularly check in on health risk Professor Oak and ask if he needs anything from the store by physically calling a number every 54 hours in real-time is a truly neat touch.
Your character wastes the days away inside your living room, spending their spare time watching old Pokemon movies and feeding your Bidoof until it becomes dangerously overweight. The game comes to about 27 hours in playtime.
But does the premise of the gamer staying inside beside their window, pressing their phone against the glass in an attempt to see – but never catch – Pokemon appeal? Questions have been asked if this is actually a step back in progress for the developer.
Through live stream via GameBoy Camera, Pokemon creator Satoshi Tajiri, explained: “Nintendo is a company known for exciting original ideas that break the mould. With Pokemon: Stay Inside our main aim is for people to have fun, but we also want to keep people contained, monitored – and safe. We’ve learnt from our past mistakes: far too many people died when we released the NES Zapper gun.”
Nintendo knows that this has an audience no matter what happens and have claimed that they want to capitalise on a 21st century audience that will happily rewatch The Sopranos once again whilst being cooped up but aren’t quite ready to start Mad Men for the first time just yet.
ASH’S MOM IS FUCKING DEAD, You stupid piece of shit.
With a surprising reverse on Nintendo’s former regime of getting everyone fit as often as possible, the developer here intends for everyone to stay within their 3×3 homes, only ever pausing the game to get snacks when necessary. Lots of praise has come from this experience though however; with gamers noting that it feels like a throwback to the days of AA battery gaming and remarking on how it doesn’t matter if the weather outside is even nice or not, and that they struggle to keep up with what day it actually is any more.
With the game released on mobile phones and NES, we eagerly await to see how the public reacts to this one… For all things Nintendo keep it here at FinalBoss.
Please note: This article is a work of fiction. A parody created for entertainment and as such holds no truths.