In a hope that something this gonzo will go viral or is at least shared on the back alleys of Reddit or by some lowly AV Club intern before he shoots the office up, here’s a fish-stick of a listicle coming right at you. It’s the hottest animated fish in the history of cinema. Whether it has gills, teeth or a tail we’ve got it here in a densely researched article that you can read whilst on the tube/toilet. Don’t you dare message to tell me something is a mammal and not actually a fish. Like David Hasselhoff running in slo-mo or a deranged Homer Simpson teasing a dolphin, I just don’t care.
Aquaman, Justice League/Various (played by Jason Momoa)
My man, Aquaman, the only addition to this list played by an actual human, speaks for itself. Hawaiin native Jason Momoa burst on to the scene in Joss Whedon’s Justice League, a movie ravaged by duff calls and general shoddiness – apart from its Aquaman casting. Momoa had been making waves in turns in the Conan remake, but really became the name we know today with his turn as Aquaman. We’d let this human shipwreck waterboard us any day.
Mer-Man, Zoolander (played by Ben Stiller)
Having tried to settle down in his hometown as a coal miner, ex-male model Derek Zoolander catches a glimpse of one of his own commercials on a dingy bar television. Ben Stiller really went to town with this role, lampooning the entire fashion industry as a dimwitted male model with no real skills apart from looking pretty. Much like this list, yes, “wetness is the essence of beauty”.
Lola, Shark Tale (voiced by Angelina Jolie)
In a strange uncanny valley underwater world where a fish is modelled after Will Smith for some reason, here we have arguably the tastiest fried fillet on this list. There was just no way an article that you’re going to share through solid irony wasn’t going to include the Angelina Jolie voiced femme-fishtale, in arguably her last great role.
Accompanied by an R&B soundtrack every time she enters a room, Lola can’t help but lure and manipulate as she climbs to the very top of the social underwater structure. Will we ever learn? Nope.
Mrs Puff, Spongebob Squarepants (voiced by Mary Jo Catlett)
We’re not talking about this or this… we’re talking about this. The circular pufferfish, and boating school instructor has regularly been terrorised by Spongebob‘s inability behind the wheel, but in the unfortunately titled “Krusty Love” Mrs Puff finds herself in the sights of one Eugene Krabs and a newfound urge to shower her in gifts. Just don’t ask her about her late husband.
Bruce The Shark, Finding Nemo (voiced by Barry Humphries)
An otherwise avid vegetarian and definitely great with kids, Big daddy Bruce (named after Jaws‘ nicknamed prop shark “Bruce”) was always going to make the list. With his big shark dick energy, rugged Aussie accent (voiced by none other than Dame Edna’s Barry Humphries!) and full set of teeth, we meet Bruce, reformed carnivore, as he tries to better himself with his group’s motto “Fish are friends. Not food.”
Ariel, The Little Mermaid (voiced by Jodi Benson)
A major babe with a shell bra, once again proving that redheads can actually be attractive – as long as they’re animated. Naturally someone this hot would come with a total personality crisis and obligatory daddy issues as Ariel gives everything up and completely changing her DNA to impress a fella. As Futurama’s Fry infamously said, “Why couldn’t she be the other kind of mermaid; with the fish part on top and the lady part on the bottom?”
Larry the Lobster, Spongebob Squarepants (voiced by Mr Lawrence)
The buff crustacean has always been more of a background character than a major plot mover on Spongebob, minus a few exceptions, but the ripped lobster can almost always be seen on the beach working out. This is one tasty meal we’d love to see covered in a wedge of lemon, butter and served with a few new potatoes.
Kit Fisto, Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones (played by Zachariah Jensen)
The tentacle haired Nautolan is sadly perhaps the only one on this list who is canonically dead. Unfortunately struck down pre-Emperor Palpatine in Revenge of the Sith in only his second on-screen appearance. And whilst his live-action screen time was brief, the fan-favourite Fisto had an extended life in the Star Wars spin-offs in both iterations of The Clone Wars shows. With that lush green skin and to-die-for smile you gotta hope that Fisto isn’t a birth name but rather something he’s picked up by word of mouth…
Hot Squidward, Spongebob Squarepants (voiced by Rodger Bumpass)
Another Spongebob entry here (Who can blame me? It’s a show set underwater) comes in the form of Handsome Squidward. Whilst regular Squidward certainly has his own fans it’s Handsome Squidward which has captured the hearts and minds of anyone from ages 10 to 30. After a horrible accident, totally reconfiguring the cephalopod’s entire face and body, the downbeat Squidward is wildly transformed into an irresistible adonis.
Certainly, the most meme oriented additions to this list, you can read up more on Handsome Squidward’s spread across the internet here.
Goldeen, Pokemon (voiced by Rachael Lillis ((English version))
Just knocking He-Man’s Mer-Man off this list, comes OG Pokemon Goldeen. Whilst entirely useless in any iteration of Smash Bros and although Finalboss.io would never advocate trying to make it with an animal (we see you James Cameron), Goldeen makes you feel something and believe life isn’t so bad after all. Time to dust off that Old Rod, buoys.
Who did we miss? Who’s the hottest animated fish? Let us know in the comments, sailor!
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